Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
