This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
