i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My liver just broke up with me...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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