In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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