I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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