either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
