By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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