The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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