Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
