if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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