if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
