I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
