And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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