When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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