You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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