When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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