Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
