you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
