how hairy? two words: wookie tits
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
