Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
