two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
