remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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