Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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