Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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