I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How does it feel to date your dad?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
