The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
