Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
