Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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