i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
