This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
