im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
