I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
