I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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