My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
