thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
