I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
