Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
