He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
