Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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