dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
