She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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