Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
