ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
