It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
