and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
