I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
ok first of all what the fuck
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
