remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
