Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
