Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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