I think my vagina is haunted
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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