Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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